Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Therapy in Writing

It's so nice to be able to type something out and release what you feel and think, then be able to have the wisdom to know that it is good to get off your chest, but not good to share with the world.

I've really been thinking a lot about the sovereignty of God lately. How He commands everything and how He has orchestrated all of history, using man's decisions both good and bad to accomplish His perfect will. How he provides for the birds of the sky and clothes the flowers of the field, and yet sometimes I wonder if He will provide for what I need. That is a dangerous place to be.

Adam and Eve were when the questioned God's goodness and thought that God was holding out on them. God knew what was best, but let them make their own decisions and 7000 yrs of humanity has paid the price for their sin.

Therefore, though I know what I desire, I do not know if it is good for me or not. Or if I am good for the object of my desire. God ultimately knows what is good for me and His plans are trustworthy. Prov. 16:9 says "The mind of a man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." Also in Rom. 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." These verses are comforting above all things. To know that God is working out my future despite my plans, dreams, and hopes is very encouraging.

I was watching a Nooma (www.nooma.com) DVD where Rob Bell tells the story of how him and his wife were going to look for a kickball for their son. At the mall there was a kiosk that sold these rubber balls that were on an elastic band with a loop on one end for your wrist to go in. Rob put it on threw the ball and tried to catch it but it hit him in the face. His son instantly wanted one, but his parents knew better. The toy may have been good for a while, but they knew what was best. His son wasn't very happy as they picked him up and carried him away. They went to a sporting goods store across the street to continue their search for a kickball and found a whole wall of them in all different colors. Rob told his son he could have any kickball he wanted.

Sometimes I'm like Rob's little boy. I want something bad, it looks like fun, but God knows that it'll probably smack me in the face and then I'll not want it anymore. How often has He had to pick me up kicking and screaming, take me across the street and show me that He had something so much better in mind for me.

As I'm walking through life, I constantly find myself in situations where I have to stop and think, is this the best God has for me, or am I settling for second best? Is this the job that I should be at? Should I be working harder to move into full time missions trusting that the seizure stuff will be taken care of? Should I stop investing so much of myself into a relationship that may never go where I'd like it to? Should I continue investing at work trusting that God will open up the door when the time is right and continue to pour myself into this relationship trusting that God will work things out and that loving somebody selflessly will always produce good fruit, even if it's not harvested by you.

Lord I don't pretend to know why I am where I am, and how to make sense of all the ups and downs in my life. What I do know is that You are constant and unchanging. You never fail me, though the world should crash down all around me, still You will be there. Forgive me for taking my focus off of you and putting so much attention on things that should be second not first. Teach me to live my life as is depicted in the song Keith Green so eloquently sung when he pledged himself, his wife and his son to the Gospel. Give me a heart that seeks diligently after you and is heart after Yours.