Life and Death

I was reading a Dec. 2nd post from Robert Howard (http://www.roberthoward.blogspot.com/) and a certain part of it really impacted me.

The part that said "and leave this trailer park of a planet " described in a sort of sense what I've wanted for a long time. For a long time I've looked and even now look at death as a long lost friend waiting for his embrace, knowing that by returning from whence I came, I will finally be reunited with the one I love. I will be able to sit for eternity in the lap of my Father with my head upon His chest as it rises and falls. Hearing His heart beat with love that covers all sin. For a long time I've wished I could take upon myself the hurts and pains of the people I love. Take Jordan's disease and give him my health and strong body and mind, Cela's arthritis for my much improved joints, Kathy's kidney stone plagued kidney's for my healthy one's, and take them with my seizures, messed up foot and other little problems straight to the grave where there will be no pain or misery or 2nd death. Where my friends can enjoy atleast in part the healthy lives that God originally intended for them to have, but sin has kept them from having. And it would allow me to finally enjoy the one life I long to live. The one at the feet of my Father. I've seen nothing this life has to offer me and would be willing to give up any future I may have freely for even one day with my Father. For one day with Him is an eternity on earth.

And I wonder if I'm living as Paul did, longing to die, knowing though that it would be better for others that I live. Knowing that God's plan for my life has not been fulfilled and that my life is meant to be an offering of love for people who know Him not, for people who would gladly crucify Him again, who would drag His people beaten through the streets only to be left for dead in the fields. Knowing still that I was one of those people and it was His love that cut my heart open and made the heart of a killer into the heart a servant. So I shall serve the rest of my days whether long or short, laying down my life at the cross with the hope that as the world walks over me they may step straight into the arms of endless love, mercy, and grace knowing the love that would cause a mortal man long for death so that he could spend eternity in the presence of his only love, Jesus.

As tears roll down my face, I wonder where they come from. Are they because I'm pouring my heart out or because I'm not living daily the life I described. More than likely a mix of both.

Take My Life
Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee
Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in ceaseless praise
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee
Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only, for my King
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee
Take my silver and my gold
Not a mite would I withhold
Take my intellect and use
Ev'ry power as You choose
Here am I, all of me
Take my life, it’s all for Thee
Take my will and make it Thine
It shall be no longer mine
Take my heart, it is Thine own
It shall be Thy royal throne
Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee